I’ve watched a good friend of mine Alyssa (not her real name) blog and post on her social media for several years. I met her before my son was born through digital scrapbooking community. A few years she started experiencing some scary health issues.

She has a number of autoimmune disorders that:

-Doctors don’t really know how to treat individually
-The disorders work against each other
-Doctors most definitely do not know how to treat collectively
-Most importantly, there is no cure.

She never talked about that last thing. She’s the awareness warrior educating her people about the disease. If there’s a way to fight it and beat it, she’s going to do it. She’s that person. She’s researched everything. She kept detailed notes about every conversation, treatment, next steps, worst and best case scenarios, and some new something that she could tell her people about.

I would reach out every once in awhile and ask how she’s doing and she would launch into her current dialogue on her health… I would always listen. Then, ask again and remind her that I read her blog and social media. I want to know how she’s doing in the places she doesn’t let us see. The places I can often see through spiritual discernment. Sometimes I will even said, “God told me to ask you how you’re doing.”

She would stop. Disconnect herself from the current ongoing data stream in her head and get into her heart and emotions and spirit and then answer me. Rarely, was this answer a positive one. But, Alyssa being Alyssa always tried to find some token of light to bring to the chaotic mess of her illness and resulting state of things.

She went for weeks refusing to acknowledge any attempts to reach out to her to see how she’s doing. I didn’t push her. I’d imagine if I was in her shoes, I wouldn’t want to know my own answer to my inquiry.

Finally, she acknowledged me with “God told me to respond to you. Honestly, I don’t want to.”

I just replied, “I understand.”

Alyssa: Aren’t you going to ask me how I’m doing in those places I don’t want you to see?

Me: No

A: Why not?

Me: Because you don’t want to answer.

A: That’s wrong. I just don’t know my answer.

Me: I see.

A: I wish you could see what I don’t know so I would have an answer.

Me: No you don’t.

A: What do you mean? Do you see something?

Me: I do. I have for some time now.

A: Tell me! Please!

Me: I’ve been watching you. Not because I’m caught up in the drama of your disease, but because I love you and I’m watching you. Physically. It just seems to me that maybe part of the reason you are doing all of this education and warrior stuff in all that you do online is to avoid really seeing what’s going on there right in front of you; or should I say, within you?

Silence. She stares back into her phone camera at me in complete shock & disbelief. I watch her carefully. Is she ok? Does she see it? Or maybe, she just already knew and thought she was doing a good job of hiding it from everyone else.

Then there was a moment where peace just seemed to come over her and she took a deep breath and said:

I just held the space for her to lean in to it. So we sat in silence where she just took deep breaths. Closed her eyes. I didn’t have to tell her “I’m here for you.” She already knew.

When she finally spoke, she said. “I’ve never stopped to let that hit me. I knew on some level it was there, but I just turned a blind eye. Like it would hasten my death if I acknowledged this. But now, I’m experiencing a feeling of peace for the first time since this journey began. Maybe I was doing a disservice to myself in all of my hustle to fight and manage my health issues. That I didn’t stop and just acknowledge that I am indeed dying. I don’t know what I’m going to do with this.”

I told her she didn’t have to make any decisions or choices immediately. Just sit with the revelation and move forward with an awareness that there is peace there.

She took a leave from blogging and social media. She would check in to let people know that she was ok. But she made the decision to step back her educational drive and just take care of herself.

We talked at the end of her media sabbatical and she said she had discussed with her doctors options and outcomes and she had come to the conclusion that she wanted peace. And the only peace she had was when she just leaned into embracing the fact that she’s dying.

She came back to social media. She announced something like she’s decided to stop fighting, has medical directives, etc. There were those who wanted her to keep fighting and felt like she was giving up and she shut them down. This is her decision and she said she let her illness rob her of her peace for long enough and she wasn’t going to let people continue to do that.

She knew her life expectancy if she stopped fighting - but she kept that from everyone. She sent me a message thanking me for always checking on her and caring for her and asking the questions that led her to her peace. I had asked her if I could share this part of her journey in my writing sometime- she gave me permission as long as she remained anonymous. She was worried about being identified by her illness than other things she wanted to be remembered for.

A few days later I received word that she has passed away.

I haven’t been able to write about this for awhile. But for some reason, I’m sensing it’s time to write it now.

Here’s the thing:

How often do we miss out on our own peace because we are trying to fight something inevitable. I encounter a lot of push back in my business because people don’t want to think about the legacy of stories they will leave behind.

And I get that. I’m the weird one. And honestly, if I dwell too long on the fact I am going to die … someday … It can freak me out. But mainly because I feel like there’s so much I haven’t done- so I let it light a fire under me to get the things done.

I learned with my uncle, my dad, and my brother - we could be gone in a blink of an eye.

Enjoy the ride!

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