Growth via Identity Crisis

[Exposed] Day 3

Jul 11, 2022

Before I get started, this is a part of a 30 day series of being exposed - so you can get to know more of my own story - what my experience has been, where my philosophy has derived from and so on. All the things you wish you can encapsulate into a short bio, but just can’t. At the bottom are links to the prior posts.

[EXPOSED DAY 3] When you’re a strong, independent, intelligent creative plagued with ADHD, it’s hard to be stay on track and see things through.🔮

(Especially when it comes to your numerous ideas!)

So, I was often “misdiagnosed” (think “labeled”) by professionals, coaches, friends & family as an overwhelmed, indecisive, uncommitted, lazy genius with zero follow through who just doesn’t want it bad enough. Not sure what “it” is supposed to be in this scenario, but stay with me here.

I was stuck in a loop. And incorporating these labels into my identity lept me stuck.

I would encounter resistance on any given task or goal I would be working towards; so I would just move to the next idea on my list. Occasionally, I might circle back to work through or around resistance on a previous project I started.

So, admittedly, my level of commitment to ONE task is problematic, at best.

I am a creative who hates structure; but needs and thrives in structure.

I want freedom in my life more than anything; I just never realized that things like commitment to follow through, discipline, structure - all things I thought any self-respecting creative should hate - are all necessary for me to get to where I want to go.

When I finally realized this, it was eye opening. But yet, it was not motivation enough. Seriously, how does one who despises structure create structure? I also felt like I was missing something.

After my brother died tragically a few years ago, I felt my world close in. I decided one more time to find my birth family. I was in 23 & Me and another dna database and didn’t have any close enough matches to lead me to my birth family. I had actually keyed in on my paternal grandmother's grave in a search that led to Find a Grave and I felt like she was important. She had 13 children and there was NOTHING else. Just the list. No links to any of their graves. No tributes paid to her. No one in her family had cared enough to update with biographical info. Nothing. I didn’t realize at that point just how close I was (turned out she is my paternal grandmother & I found her over a year before discovering who my biological parents were).

It was a needle in a stack of needles. So, I told my best friend, this was my final try. I was walking away from my search for good after this. I sent my DNA sample into Ancestry DNA. In a few short weeks, I was on the phone with my birth mother. And a few weeks after that, I met her and more family. I then matched to my half-sister on my birth father’s side. I will just say learning the story of my birth father and his mother, I now understand why that woman with 13 children and no one cared enough to link her into their ancestry - made perfect sense!

I learned so much about DNA and the things we don’t think about that we carry in our DNA when I met my birth family. Things I have always believed to my very core that did not come from my amazing, nurturing environment of my upbringing. There was no explaining why things I felt and knew at my core - until I met my birth family & I learned about my birth father (who was sadly killed in a horrible accident in 1975). As I was writing this, I was contacted on 23 and Me by an uncle - brother to my birth father. I actually got to talk to him for a few minutes on the phone.

It all clicked. I was 50 years old. And I received this amazing gift that I was very grateful for & should have had access to when I was 20! I often wonder how this would have altered the course of my life had I known then. But we can only look ahead.

I got this big permission slip to be who I was clearly created to be.

That key thing that was missing that I mentioned before? All of those labels were symptoms of something? I was in a full blown identity crisis! And had been for most of my life.

I had to look at and shed these labels and embrace me for who I am and step boldly into the life I was created to live. The realization of this was fairly simple. Doing it on the other hand…

Remember “strong, independent..” that makes me self-reliant with narcissistic tendencies.

I had one thing left to resolve.

My dad died 5 years (nearly to the day) before my brother died. This shook me to my core. I lost my rock. Until he died, I could masquerade around as a strong, independent badass; but what you didn’t see is that I relied on my dad. But I was wrong. He wasn’t my rock at all. He was sand. The waves of his death washed him right out from under me.

I talked about the death of my dad in my previous post. I was in free fall for five years unable to get my footing. I was angry at God for taking my dad away. I was angry at the Christians who let me down and weren’t there for me as I was grappling with this loss. . .alone.

Don’t feel sorry for me. I created this situation all by myself. I was strong & independent, remember. Who is going to even think I would need consoling? Support? Help? The only time I dared ask for help came back to hurt my family in ways that we still live with scars from it today. So, I was on my own.

It was my mom’s faith that got my attention. Her verses. Her prayers. God showed up and did the impossible. Everyone told us this thing was an impossible situation to resolve like we knew it needed to be resolved. And God showed up and He showed us exactly what was possible. Sorry to be so vague - I won’t discuss the specifics of this part of my story until May of 2025. Believe me, you will hear the story then!

I grew up going to church, learning Scriptures, winning Bible Bowl competitions, etc. There’s a difference between knowing something and living it. What I was also experiencing during that time is legalistic spiritual abuse so I was hesitant to embrace what I was learning due to what I was witnessing.

But what I’ve come to appreciate in recent years, I have witnessed my mom living it. God is my mom’s rock. I realized I needed Him to be mine.

I’ve experienced a shift in my identity. My identity looks to who I am in Christ. I’ve had to shed the independent badass creative persona that was part of my identity for so long. It served me well when I was 30 and moved to Austin for a year after a divorce. A huge puzzle piece has been placed concerning my dna and I can see the beauty of God’s design in my life through that.

I’m still working. I have more to say in future posts about the journey I am on today. I’m committed. I’m creating structure. I’ve returned to a dream that God has placed upon my life. I move forward excited about resolving my identity in midlife and confident that burnout is behind me. Saturday I got really excited about this and I was working on how to shift my online strategy, I received a text that shattered me to my core. I immediately went back to all of those labels plus tacked on more about being ineffective, undervalued, etc. from the only person on this planet that can still haven that kind of effect on me. But I spent two days fighting it off, acknowledging it as meeting resistance and going to continue anyway in spite of this person. I added this as a goal - I don’t let anyone else get to me the way she does. I am going to work towards the goal that she won’t be able to do so either. If I don’t, she will derail me. I already know where that road ends.

I invite you to join me on this journey with me.

If you have a dream for your life, then journey with me.

If you’d like to capture a dream for your life, then journey with me.

Become a subscriber today. A free subscriber. I’m not asking you to become a paid subscriber just yet. I’m still working out the content I’m going to be offering paid subscribers (deeper dives, printables, ejournals, etc.)

Let’s pursue the awesome life and purpose that God designed for us!

IN CASE YOU MISSED IT…

Exposed Day 1: Mentor