For some reason all of my content from this article disappeared. And it was a scheduled post so it went out to all of my readers as an empty post. Ooopsie! So sorry!

I can’t even remember what I wrote for this article. I am certain though that whatever it was, my perspective has probably changed given things we’ve experienced in my own household this week.

I look at this title & in this moment in time, I have zero to say on this topic. Of course, as soon as I typed that, the Lord prompted me in something I realized this week.

I would say that my faith has been shaken this week. But I would say that it transformed into something stronger as far as God is concerned. I, however, have no more room in my life for organized religion. I have been on the fence about it for some time now. I had walked completely away before and came back.

I had a conversation with an atheist about religion - specifically Christianity. He doesn’t believe in segmented Christianity. If I say yes, but that’s just the religious right - he stops me and says, “No, it’s all Christianity.” I defended my position and said that there are those who are not misogynists. That some try not to be bigots, misogynists, homophobic idiots who spread a propaganda of hatred and bring up children in a state of worthlessness. I was even bold and named one - someone I know he had met and knew who I was talking about. When less than a week later, I was told that this same person who I had considered a friend and a good Christian leader betrayed me and joined in with a chorus of others advising my own husband that he would be better off without me. This after we had made the decision we were going to find a way to stay together and make things work. And none of their advice even addressed my husband’s issues or acknowledged the fact that just maybe I might feel justified in decisions I made at the time. Decisions I’m certainly not proud of by any means. I made some huge mistakes in my life. But guess what? None of these people who I had considered friends ever approached me, not once, about my decisions or behaviors etc. Isn’t that what Christians are supposed to do?

Kevin has no idea what he disclosed to me just in sharing his experience in the road our marriage has taken, decisions we were made and where we are today as a result of them. He has no idea how deeply this disclosure affected me. I spent yesterday with so much anger. I had to write just to get it all out. Katy bar the door if I ever decide to publish what I wrote.

I went back to my friend and said, “You know what I said when I defended that some Christians aren’t the way you said they are? I take that back. And I definitely retract the name of at least one person I thought was an exception to that.”

I talked to another friend about this journey and she just asked, “Are you ok? I know this must be a hard realization for you! You take your faith journey so seriously and with a passion I’ve never seen from anyone before. Can I ask you why do you even still believe? Why do you hang on? Why don’t you just turn your back on all of it. Wouldn’t that be easier?”

Not that I’m ready to be a voluntary martyr, but I don’t think “easier” is the point of a faith journey. But the reason I still believe is because my faith is in God and what I’ve experienced in my life because of God. If my faith was dependent on what I’ve experienced in this life at the hands of so-called “Christians,” then I - like so many others already have - would have walked away a long time ago.

When I strip everything away and just look at Jesus.. . even an atheist had to admit to me - there was nothing about Jesus that was a message of hate, misogyny, bigotry, nor worthlessness. Christ was a living example of love, compassion, and worth.

Religious men for centuries have taken Scripture and twisted to exert power, hatred, intolerance, exclusion towards every group that is not like them. . . including women. When Christ asked about divorce, he questioned the religious man’s heart and motivation behind the question before giving an answer. But he never addressed things like abortion, homosexuality, and other things that were clearly issues during that time. He was in his ministry here for about 3 years - you don’t think that if it was important and he knew his time was limited - that he would have addressed what man has turned into hot button issues today? They aren’t kingdom issues. They’ve been twisted into masquerading as kingdom issues by those who wish to have dominion over anyone who is not like them.

Anyway, the reason I don’t leave is because I love Jesus. I’m not a big fan of Christians today. Recent weeks alone serve as a stark reminder as to why that is. I’m commanded to love them anyway and quite frankly, some days it’s harder and harder to do that. But I do believe in Jesus. I believe that God is working in me even now.

For God will never give you the spirit of fear, but the Holy Spirit who gives you mighty power, love and self-control. 2 Timothy 1:7

Kevin and I discussed this the other night. We’ve separately and together have experienced that “something” that is bigger than us. And we describe it in the same way. It isn’t this gentle peace that surpasses all understanding. We have experienced that, too. But the Spirit of God is NOT timid! It is fierce! And it’s so interesting to hear Kevin describe an experience he had before we ever met and then for me to describe experiences that I can point to where I believe without a doubt that God exists and He’s alive and working in my life. I describe it as a fierce, unwavering belief in the middle of circumstances where people (often Christians) or just common sense or what history will predict will happen is all contradictory to whatever that fierce belief is. It is a fierce knowing in your core when it just doesn’t make sense. And it’s something that takes hold of you and doesn’t let go.

Every single time we’ve experienced that, it has worked out.

• Kevin walked again when he was told he would never walk again.

• In 2013, we got an outcome that everyone said was impossible. I will share that story in two years. I won’t talk about it until my youngest turns 18.

• Kevin and I are still married - and both grateful for this choice we made.

• I said no to having an abortion and survived a crisis pregnancy surrounded by Christians who persecuted me (and some still do today). I knew I would survive. I wasn’t strong enough - not by a long shot. But God grabbed hold of me and gave me a strength I’d never known before.

• It was that fierce insistence about 18 years ago that I was pregnant and to take a test in spite of being told I’d never be able to have a child. Like Sara, I laughed. I thought it was Satan taunting me. I finally took the test to shut him up. Little did I know…

• It’s a fierceness within me today that tells me I need to fight and stand up for my kid who seriously hates me right now not even realizing I am their strongest supporter still am in spite of what happened this week.

• It is a fierceness that speaks out against legislated religion and what Christian conservatives are trying to do to our country right now.

• It’s a fierceness to hold the space for those who choose not to believe, not to adopt the same moral belief system that God calls Christians to, and to acknowledge their right to do so. It’s a biblical thing called Free Will.

• It’s a fierceness to get curious about anything that makes me uncomfortable and the bravery to discover why that is.. to be open to having my beliefs and opinions tested.. often by an atheist.

• It’s a fierceness to look at life with a different lens than those around me to.

• It’s a fierceness that experiences a rage when Christians hurt and marginalize people knowing the pain and damage they inflict.

• It’s a fierce compassion and broken heart for those who suffer from post-churchy-people-syndrome as a result. A desire to point away from the people who’ve hurt them and point to a God who loves them.

• It’s a fierceness that sadly, brokenheartedly agrees with someone when they say many southern Christian groups should be classified as hate groups.

• And it’s a fierceness that insists with great urgency that I’ve been quiet for long enough.

I don’t elect to be this way. I’m sure it would be so much easier on my mom if I weren’t - or if I’d wait until she’s dead. I don’t volunteer to be this way. It scares the crap out of me.

When I have questioned if I believe because I was programmed - indoctrinated - to believe this way is how I was brought up, I then remember I went through deprogramming as if I’d been a cult when I was 21 to break free from the worthlessness & despair that legalism had placed upon my psyche.

Truth be told, I am the same overly-sensitive, quiet wallflower I was as a child. Everything that I’ve been beyond that since then has been because of this fierce spirit that has been the source of my strength, ability to love, ability to discern and often, speak out when needed. That’s not me & that’s exactly why I believe.

Paul write in 2 Corinthians 10:1 TPT

I recently discovered this verse and feel like it’s become my blogging / writing verse. It’s the first time I’ve ever felt any connection or anything in common with Paul at all. (Let’s just say I haven’t been Paul’s biggest fan!)

Later in vs 3 & 4, he talks about how “we DON’T wage a military campaign employing human weapons, using manipulation to achieve our aims…. “ (This is EXACTLY what legislated religion is by the way.)

I’m going to do a whole series on 2 Corinthians 10 at some point.

I guess God deleted content in this article so I would write it again with new perspective I’ve earned this week.

I achieve impossible outcomes… Wait. No I don’t.

God achieves impossible outcomes when I’m brave enough to remain the wallflower and let the fierce Spirit of love, power and self-control work within me because I am a believing vessel.

Even if I don’t believe the same way as you do.